


Intrusions

by JackBroderick



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Incest, Intrusive Thoughts, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22794727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackBroderick/pseuds/JackBroderick
Summary: A ramble in which Bro struggles with intrusive thoughts relating to his brother after being revived post game. Bro and Dave do not engage in a sexual or romantic relationship, Bro was previously abusive and violent towards Dave.
Relationships: Bro Strider & Dave Strider
Kudos: 16





	Intrusions

**Author's Note:**

> "Intrusive Thoughts are unwanted thoughts or images that cause you distress"

It's been months since the game was over, Bro was lucky to be alive, being brought back was a blessing he didn't deserve and he knows it. Dave barely looks at him anymore, he's gotten his own place, spends times with his own friends, new family and rarely bothers to see his older brother. Living alone sucks, nearly as bad as having a clear head. He can't remember the last time he could think so clearly, and he hates every moment of it. Before the game Lil Cal was always there, clogging up his mind,making it thick with ink and stopping his own thoughts short, planting in Cal's own violent intentions. He's lived with it for years, having his head space shared with someone else, now puppets can't fill the empty space in his apartment. Being alone with your thoughts always sounded like a peaceful situation, one where you could relax, not be filled with images of hurting your brother, over and over again kill him _kill him_ **kill him**. Violent thoughts aren't being planted anymore, no, but the thoughts have turned and he can't blame them on anyone but himself anymore. It started off just fine, all he'd wanted to do was find any way he could to make up for what he's done to his brother, apologize endlessly, offer him anything he'd wanted. He'd tried hugging him several times before, an attempt to make up for never touching him kindly when he was growing him. He'd always be forced off and away from the shaken boy. He wanted to make up for his mistreatment before with affection now, as time went on though the thoughts and urges shifted on, more and more "affectionate".

They came at random times, the thoughts, and he hated himself for it. His eyes hung on his brother for a few seconds to long and disgust turned in his stomach for it. He'd reach for Dave when he was near only for him to flinch away before his younger brother could have the chance to notice the action. Bro never had any interest in looking himself in the mirror before, but now, glances at himself made him sick. He knew Cal made him a terrible person, but if the thoughts in his head meant anything, then he was a better person when Cal was around than he was now. He missed the fog, the thoughts of violence in place of anything else. At least then he had someone else to blame for them. Over time the thoughts sunk their inky fingers into his dreams, memories of his brother red faced and sweating under the hot Texas sun, panting from a heavy strife turned to lewd positions and moans of his name on his brothers lips. Broderick would wake early in the morning with the thought of throwing himself off the roof top his dream had taken place at. Some days he'd find himself standing at the edge looking down, he used to have urges to toss his brother from this height, now he's plagued with thoughts for hurting him in a different way, and it made him want to toss himself from the building. He hated himself, he's disgusting, filthy, he shouldn't have been allowed to come back after the game.He doesn't deserve this second chance, to be alive. He doesn't want to touch his brother like that, he doesn't want to sleep with his brother, his kid, the damn child he raised. He hated the tingling of arousal he felt in his belly at the idea, so he made sure he wouldn't do it. He's too much a coward to take that little step forward off the roof, no, of course he's too much a coward for that. Instead he stopped his previous efforts at keeping contact with Dave, stayed in his empty apartment, burned his smuppets because if his sexual thoughts turned to Dave then he didn't want to have sexual thoughts at all. Locked himself up and didn't so much as bother to think of the sibling he so desperately wanted to please.

It was during this time he learned, intrusive thoughts. That's what they were, intrusive thoughts. 'They don't reflect who you are' it says 'They don't define real want' He clung to that, it was the only thing keeping his sanity. When the thoughts would come, he accepted them now, they were his thoughts, but they held no truth to them "I don't want to do that to him." He'd think, "I don't want to and I never will." These thoughts were his, but they weren't _him_. He let himself leave his apartment. "I want to make it up to him" He would think. Images of his hands on his brother would flash through his mind, his head turned towards a shop as he'd pass, "He'd like those" he'd think, in place of filthy images he'd place visions of Dave with the bright red headphones, a slight hint of a smile on his lips. "It's not enough to gain forgiveness but that's not what I want." He'd leave the store and find his thoughts of Dave where purely of things he might like to receive, kind acts of a sorry brother. When he next faced his brother, gift in hand, his brother didn't smile, but neither of them flinched when their fingers brushed, no thoughts of his lips on Dave's crossed his mind. As days went on they lessened more and more. Dave didn't seem so bothered with his brother around every now and again, affection was still off limits but that was fine with Bro, he doesn't need to show he cares with physical touches, thoughts of where those touches would never lead stayed clear from his head. Having an empty apartment felt less lonely now, having only your own thoughts in your head isn't so bad when you only pay notice to the ones that make you smile. Bro Strider didn't deserve to be brought back to life, but he's going to make use of the time given to him.

**Author's Note:**

> "Intrusive thoughts may be sexual, aggressive, religious, or anything that disturbs you"  
> Intrusive thoughts do not define you as a person, if you or someone you know has intrusive thoughts and these thoughts being about thoughts of self-harm or negatively effect yours or their way of living I implore you to seek help.  
> Learn about intrusive thoughts and how to stop them here; https://moodsmith.com/intrusive-thoughts/


End file.
